Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
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