Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
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I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
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How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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