if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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