How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
