I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
