No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
