My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Pooping to opera.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
