Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
