I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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