i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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