Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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