Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
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Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can you bring me the toilet please
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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