The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
