The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
