Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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