if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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