I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
