I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
honey bunches of taint.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
