I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
