My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
