So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
