my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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