i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
