I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
