four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
