Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
