i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
