I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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