Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
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We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
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Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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