i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
