Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
