I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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