You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
