Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
