What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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