put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
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