Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You need Xanax blowdarts
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize