Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
