i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
