I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
