I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
