My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
