so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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