I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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