I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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