I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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