I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
