It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
