I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
