Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
