The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
