If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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