we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
