i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
