I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
