please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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