My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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