I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
