Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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