If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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