Just fell off a train. Bad.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
